“To actually see a person as whole, you can’t just see their light.” – G.G.
WHAT IS A JUDGMENT?
What is a Judgment? Your perception of someone that you feel emotionally charged about. When you feel resistance, disapproval, or think “I am not that” you’ve begun to source a judgment. One way to calibrate a good judgment is by asking yourself, “Am I afraid of the person’s reaction when I share this?”
Understanding how you resist aspects of other people can offer you a guidepost to where you are not fully loving or accepting yourself.
“Judgment” can be an umbrella term for many things:
If you are feeling stuck or having a hard time writing judgments, here are some tips for sourcing them:
Tip 1: Consider the Gift / Wound Correlate. If you are having a hard time with the confrontational aspect of unearthing a judgment, it may be helpful to think of the “gift wound correlate,” or how a judgment might also be expressed as a strength.
For example:
Tip 2: Look for Pattern Recognition and Emotional Charge. It can also be helpful to reflect on your relationship with someone, and the times when you feel activated by them, and ask yourself, is there a pattern there?
For example:
Tip 3: Examine Distrust or Barriers to Intimacy. Another way to approach this is to ask yourself how or where you don’t trust the other person, or where you have an intimacy gap with the other person, i.e., what keeps you from being closer to them?
For example:
Tip 4: Distillation. This is about getting to the heart or root of the judgment. After writing your judgment, consider getting more specific to the context in which you experience it or speaking from the part of you that feels it in the absolute about the Receiver.
For example:
Tip 5: Flash Judgments or Shallow Judgments. This could involve something you notice about someone’s physical appearance or their behaviors that you deem petty or vain. One way to look for these is to mine from judgments you have about yourself, and see if one of them lands or consider your initial impressions. This is a great tip to use if you just met someone. One way to find the best expression is to consider what phrasing feels more vulnerable to share.
For example:
Tip 6: Let Yourself Be Mean, Hypocritical, and Narcissistic. Permission yourself to see through lenses you tend to avoid. These shadow parts (parts of ourselves that we don’t have approval for) can provide a wealth of hidden judgments.
“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” - Carl Jung
WHAT IS A JUDGMENT?
What is a Judgment? Your perception of someone that you feel emotionally charged about. When you feel resistance, disapproval, or think “I am not that” you’ve begun to source a judgment. One way to calibrate a good judgment is by asking yourself, “Am I afraid of the person’s reaction when I share this?”
Understanding how you resist aspects of other people can offer you a guidepost to where you are not fully loving or accepting yourself.
“Judgment” can be an umbrella term for many things:
- discernment, clarity, insight, observation, perception, insight
- resentment, grudge, avoidance
- righteousness, disdain, criticism
- dissonance, distrust
- reactivity, repression
If you are feeling stuck or having a hard time writing judgments, here are some tips for sourcing them:
Tip 1: Consider the Gift / Wound Correlate. If you are having a hard time with the confrontational aspect of unearthing a judgment, it may be helpful to think of the “gift wound correlate,” or how a judgment might also be expressed as a strength.
For example:
I admire your attention to detail and organizational capacities.
︎ I judge you for being controlling and having obsessive-compulsive behaviors.
OR
I admire you for your ability to stand firm in your values, and to choose integrity and honesty over safety, likeability, or people pleasing.
︎ I judge you for delivering your truths with unnecessary and counterproductive disdain.
Tip 2: Look for Pattern Recognition and Emotional Charge. It can also be helpful to reflect on your relationship with someone, and the times when you feel activated by them, and ask yourself, is there a pattern there?
For example:
I notice that my mom often presents something she wants, but does it in a cryptic manner that hides her desire. I feel like she wants me to give her what she wants without the vulnerability of her having to ask for it directly.
I feel an anger/emotional charge around the fact that she’s expecting me to decode her desire instead of being transparent.
︎ I judge you for not being direct in your communication, and instead trying to covertly manipulate me into having a certain desired response.
Tip 3: Examine Distrust or Barriers to Intimacy. Another way to approach this is to ask yourself how or where you don’t trust the other person, or where you have an intimacy gap with the other person, i.e., what keeps you from being closer to them?
For example:
I wouldn’t want to collaborate with you because I notice I often caretake you when we’re together, and that can be really draining. I don’t trust you to own your experience and not take on a victim mentality.
︎ I judge you for not being emotionally sovereign and for weaponizing your emotions to manipulate me into saving or rescuing you from your experience.
Tip 4: Distillation. This is about getting to the heart or root of the judgment. After writing your judgment, consider getting more specific to the context in which you experience it or speaking from the part of you that feels it in the absolute about the Receiver.
For example:
I judge you because you’re annoying.
Distillation: ︎ I judge you for being rude to waitstaff. You come across as entitled and unaware of your impact on others. OR ︎ I judge you for being a superior, self-absorbed narcissist.
I judge you for leaving the toilet seat up all the time.
Distillation: ︎ I judge you for not noticing the needs of others. OR ︎ I judge you for being the essence of the tragedy of the commons.
Tip 5: Flash Judgments or Shallow Judgments. This could involve something you notice about someone’s physical appearance or their behaviors that you deem petty or vain. One way to look for these is to mine from judgments you have about yourself, and see if one of them lands or consider your initial impressions. This is a great tip to use if you just met someone. One way to find the best expression is to consider what phrasing feels more vulnerable to share.
For example:
︎ I judge you for having messy hair. OR ︎ I judge you for being careless with your appearance.
Which feels more vulnerable to share?More examples of flash judgements:
︎ I judge you for the way you keep laughing after everyone has stopped.
︎ I judge you for the noises you make when you eat.
︎ I judge you for dressing slutty.
︎ I judge you for being basic.
︎ I judge you for wearing the same 3 outfits all the time.
︎ I judge you for being white.
Tip 6: Let Yourself Be Mean, Hypocritical, and Narcissistic. Permission yourself to see through lenses you tend to avoid. These shadow parts (parts of ourselves that we don’t have approval for) can provide a wealth of hidden judgments.
“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” - Carl Jung
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